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When you love someone you don’t know how to live with out them.  That is a fact but also love is not made of pain and confusion so even if we can’t live with out them we have to. Because God’s will of love is not pain and confusion it’s not destruction . Have you heard of ambiguous loss? It’s a loss someone goes through when they lose someone to addiction or some mental disorders or some sort of loss where it’s of the mind . This loss is worse then a death because there is never closure. It’s always turbulent and lost . Look up ambiguous loss . It made me feel better in my grieving. I also God is in control of my future. He knows what’s best for me . It’s weird I feel the most beautiful I ever have right now I did it for my ex . He didn’t want me. Now I’m alone all I want right now is to be as close to Jesus as possible. No matter how my looks change it can’t make my heart feel better only God can . I just want to read the Bible and know every truth . And just fofill what he wants for me and feel and know his joy . I don’t want anything else right now . Last New Years I was with my ex praying we would get through rehab I thought this year we would be living together getting married .

Life is cold and heart breaking it’s earth shattering . I laid my dog to rest this year also. I can’t imagine a harder year . Jesus heal me 2019. Bless our move and my transfer to San Diego and anyone who reads this pray for me and Raigan. We need all the love and healing we can get and as people party and hook up tonight I’m home praying for the new year .


May God be with us .

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