My Fit Journey

Life can be cold and unexpected and can take your breath away. But I’ve learned that no matter how hard it is I’m not lost. Because whatever is meant by God will stay and what isn’t , isn’t. I don’t know how to make it easier or how to give answers. All I know is to follow God’s purpose and to love with God’s heart .

On my fitness journey I play with my diet a little. I typically stick with a clean version of keto but I do flexible dieting so I don’t gain the weight back ever and so I can gain muscle and not kill my matabolism. I’ve done all these things in the past. Starving myself of carbs doing low calorie and the minute you eat you gain it back and then some! I decided I didn’t want to gain it back I wanted the good body for a life time. So for the most part I do keto I keep my carbs lo but some days I eat carbs but keep calories low. It’s a balance. It works for me and for a year I’ve never gained any weight. I actually spent 3 days eating crap for Raigan’s birthday I felt guilty and lost 5 pounds!!! I trained my body right this time. 95% of the time I’m disciplined but when I slip I’m Ok!!!! I wanted to talk about Mayonsise. I feel like it’s a myth everyone is afraid of it. Does anyone realize what it’s made of ? The two things us lifters need ! Eggs and olive oil 2 healthy fats! When I’...

The old saying goes the catipiilar has to die to himself to get his wings. Does he know when he falls asleep in his small cacoon he will wake up even more beautiful then before. Outside beauty means nothing it’s becoming who we were meant to be and not caring what others think in the process. You know what’s best for you. I knew I needed help I knew I needed healing in healing I found myself. In that I found a voice that was buried under pain. I’m glad I am true to myself. True to God.

This is the fitness blog for the fitness journey only but I think mental health and physical go hand in hand - so for this one time I’m writing to all of you about this life changing event that happened tonight. Pretty weird it happened in my car. I’ll do my best to explain it to you the way it was told to me. In my entire life I feel like tonight I learned the most important message one I knew one I told to others but in 40 years never sank in until tonight. God is so good. Today was a bad day right I was focused on my game at work all day, and sold nothing. I had the same day yesterday. For a Black Friday I should’ve sold 20 grand easy. I won’t get into details of the day but it was hard and emotional. Why God I wondered? But wasn’t it the same why that had me pulled over on the side of the road on my 40th birthday in May throwing up in tears and sorrow over the recent break up I went through and had no answers? Why God ? Was it the same why when I lost my job in April and a tow truc...

My heart you see something is wrong with it and after several stays in the hospital, many near death experiences, doctors telling me I need surgery all they can tell me is my heart beats to fast sometimes and it pumps blood wrong. I carry pills every where I go Incase it beats to fast. I cut my sugar, my carbs, but it’s not enough. Running has been the one thing that has kept my heart rate low. I self conditioned my heart and taught it to beat at certain rate as I run. But if I miss running for just a mere few days my heart is back up again. Sometimes I wonder if my days are numbered if I will live to see my daughter grow. I pray I do. But God has kept me alive through great tragedies so far. I trust him with my life. Watching and training my heart in this fitness blog I can tell you to believe me when I say running is a life saver. Start walking. I trained my heart by running 2 minutes walking 2 minutes now I run no problem a half hour at a steady heart rate of 150. My heart doctor sa...

It’s Saturday night , I spent the evening running and I get so much crap for not going out with my friends to the bars or the clubs or Amy why do you not date it’s not normal and instead tonight I went running alone in the cold on a Saturday night. Why ? Because I’m loving me right now and that is way more important than sitting in a club accomplishing nothing. And I can’t self heal dating and why is it anyone’s business. Maybe I’m a practicing nun you never know. Self preservation should be a commodity. More should try it instead of having sex with randoms in parking lots. So here I am alone in my bed about to Netflix Pretty Little Liars I’m so content with that .

I’ve never felt more alone then I feel now but I know I’m where God wants to show me heal me and guide me . I sit here on my lunch at Chipotle eating tofu . Watching the crowds. I feel sadness deep sadness and a peace at the same time. It’s going to be alright I tell myself

If he loved me, he wouldn’t of left and that’s the nightmare I’m left to wake up to every day. As I fight this truth the only thing I’m left to do is work on loving me. I can’t change the past, I can’t control what’s done. I can’t wave a magic wand and say well you love me. People have choices he didn’t chose me. In the end does anyone want the person who didn’t want them? It’s heart breaking? Now I’m healing since I’ve loved with all my heart with no return I’m going to love myself and the return is learning my own value and strength. In my own mourning I take it day by day but it’s all about Gods path .

30 day report . I’ve lost 6.5 more inches . Sometimes or most of the time I see the same old girl as last year. I shun from the mirror  afraid of what I might see . Yesterday I undressed to tan and I actually looked at myself in the mirror and I didn’t hate myself at all . I saw the lines in my abs showing through the muscles in my legs and my arms looked thin. I saw my face and thought wow I’m pretty. Never in my life did I look in the mirror and have these thoughts. I’m so hateful to myself  Yesterday for a moment I let myself be proud of all my hard work and blood sweat and tears I’ve put in  , I took no short cuts and I knew all my runs all my work outs and all my healthy eating was paying off. I fired my trainer he lacked integrity. I thought I could still train with him anyway but no one on my team will lack character that was that . So I’m in this alone again. I’m going to the gym soon it’s my day off. This month has been amazing in sales I hate that I have to pi...

It was a corporate event I had the chance to meet every important person in my company, it was cocktail hour and I chose to hide inside the dining hall alone . You ask what is perception ? It’s all mental and most of the time what we perceive is not true. I was hiding because I didn’t feel like I was enough. Not thin enough , perfect enough , pretty enough . Whatever the case was I was not visible in the most important place . This was my time to shine . I’m enough . I need to work on this. I have these goal pants I swore I would never get into . I’m wearing them today I promise I swore I would never wear them . Yet I feel still not enough . When are we enough ? To not chase after the men who didn’t love us left us lacking ? When are we enough to say I’m loveable and beautiful Because of who I am . Love is not someone hurting you and it’s not hurting yourself . I know I have to work on this . But I wanted to share .

I may weigh less then I have in years . But the moment I go to the gym and see the girls who are a million times better then me I feel like the old me . Every step of success has been erased because I’m not them , I’m not the girl with the perfect butt or 24 inch waste I’m just aspiring to be her . I don’t discount how far I’ve come or the woman I am I’ll be damned if I’m not proud of her.  Because that woman is an over comer. It’s not that I won’t hit my goals I’ve come this far but maybe wanting to be better keeps us going . I mean I have Jen Hewards butt as my screen saver. So what is mental health where do we draw the line in self loathing to self love ? I don’t really have the answer to that . All I know is I need to keep moving forward . As long as I don’t give up on me does it matter ? Aren’t I winning ?

This blog may seem a bit personal but so is this journey right ? It may not seem to make sense at first but it will . The fight for health has been always apart of me but I gained some weight a year and a half a go . I decided to dedicate myself in losing it . I was also in an intense relationship with a person whom I loved very much and lost recently so I poured those emotions of loss even more into the gym as therapy . In my quest I also grew even closer to God in my healing . The last person I been intimate was with my boyfriend we had a deep love or so I thought he loved me deeply. I believe God wants us to save intamacy for marriage , obviously I didn’t do this in the past . I’m not dating I’m still in mourning and in healing process but I want to follow God’s will for me . Self discipline in all aspects of my life . My diet , sex, gym , work . I think this gives you a clear picture on who people really are with out getting your emotions involved . I don’t know what my future ho...

Second session with my trainer today . He worked me so hard mixed with me being tired from work I did laundry and gym and have not left my bed today. It feels good.  I can’t wait til Friday! I get paid -hair , nails , tan . It’s the small things in life . I like my trainer. As a trainer he is mentally good for me right now . I find him to be a good friend . He teaches me not to compare myself to others , to accept myself as I am now. My struggle has been just looking at myself in the mirror . I definitely don’t need anyone just to make me “ feel “ good not what I’m saying . But I need to be accepting of who I am now and who I’m becoming . This journey is all mental . I used to cry every morning and every night due to the losses this year.  I poured my pain into the gym to try to make me a better me . To not let it get the best of me . Even though I’m strong at the same time I’m still weak,I have to be so careful of who I let into my world.I won’t ever be a victim to anyone . L...

So I have my before and afters on my new Instagram. I’m at a solid 45 pound weight loss in 3 months on top of that I’ve continued to lose 5 more inches off my waist. I start with my trainer on Monday I know I need the help with heavy lifting. My goal is 10-12% body fat he told me no problem. I got to be honest, the gym has been my therapy in my sadness the past 5 months. It’s a healthy out let for me I don’t know when the pain of losing the love of your life goes away but at least I’m working on being the best version of me in and out . I want this blog to inspire others. Trust in God Believe in yourself And do and follow God’s will Now I’m going to drive home and go for a run .

This is the beginning of my new blog . The ending of 2018. I started this journey to be healthy to be better for me and a better person for my boyfriend at the time. Being better for your partner is a great thing but my relationship was toxic. My journey to health has not only been a mental one but physical as well. I’m hoping to help others in my shoes. Losing my boyfriend was a great loss. But in the losing I have found healing and strength. Even though the relationship was not healthy I prayed it could change . As it grew worse I realized the healthiest thing for me was to walk away. This was not easy, so I put my focus , sadness and everything I had into self love and the gym. No dating - just self healing. I need to heal . My goal is to get to a weight and build a body better then I ever have before! In this I will move forward in finding a new love for myself. God has been my biggest source of strength in pain . On ward to this journey, excited for my new fit Instagram !