My Fit Journey

When you love someone you don’t know how to live with out them.  That is a fact but also love is not made of pain and confusion so even if we can’t live with out them we have to. Because God’s will of love is not pain and confusion it’s not destruction . Have you heard of ambiguous loss? It’s a loss someone goes through when they lose someone to addiction or some mental disorders or some sort of loss where it’s of the mind . This loss is worse then a death because there is never closure. It’s always turbulent and lost . Look up ambiguous loss . It made me feel better in my grieving. I also God is in control of my future. He knows what’s best for me . It’s weird I feel the most beautiful I ever have right now I did it for my ex . He didn’t want me. Now I’m alone all I want right now is to be as close to Jesus as possible. No matter how my looks change it can’t make my heart feel better only God can . I just want to read the Bible and know every truth . And just fofill what he wants ...

So far so good I’m exhausted but I eat almost no carbs I live on coffee and water I’ve seen a huge over all drop in my heart rate. Good news !!!im waiting to do my weight and measurements in two weeks to see how close I’ve gotten. So far my sleep is better, my metabolism is better my mood has been better I feel great !!! My calorie intake is about 750. I work out as usual . I’m excited I hope to hit my goal by Valentines !!!! I’ll be a valentines babe !!!! Well .... for Raigan I suppose .

There have been a few bench marks in my life I remember clearly. I’m at one now even though it’s just me and God right now that’s all that matters because it’s where I’m supposed to be. The rest will follow .

Back to me : After laying in bed all day on Christmas feeling sorry for myself and depressed and hopeless I layed their  and realized how do I conquer this . What were my dreams before I knew I wanted to marry this person? What were my dreams before I lost this person? I can’t let this stop my journey. I know if I set aside my emotions I want to live in San Diego. I know I want to live in San Diego. I know I must live by the ocean. I know I love my job and want to move up into corporate. I know I need to finish my book. These are immediate goals. Then there is my fitness goal. I’m so close . My goal to 123-125 pounds . 2019 I’m going to kill it . To do this I’ve gone from flexible lo carb dieting to clean Keto dieting so super clean no cheating no carbs . I’ve also thrown in intermittent fasting from 8am to 4pm I eat and fast 18 hours . Plus gym time and running . I think this will throw me close to my goal within 4 weeks . I’ll do a progress picture and weigh in - in 2 weeks. If...

It’s a dull ache at the pit of my stomach. It’s a road you clearly cut but it ended abruptly and I’m pretty sure the pain will always be there like a wound that never quite heals right. It like a flash back to us holding hands in the hard moments knowing we will never let each other go. But I sit here now with only those memories and some how you died in them or you let me go . I don’t know how to make it stop but to keep making goals and following God’s will. Because the man for me would be following God’s will as well. I don’t know what’s in store for me at 40 but I have my new goals for 2019 and I know he isn’t part of it. I listen to a bible study on the way to work about when it’s time to date again it says to follow God’s will and God wants us to date to marry not to date to date . I wanted to marry Jerry. He isn’t here now I’m not dating til God says so. I know Gods voice he’s been holding my hand this whole time . So here is to 2019 to my final weight loss and moving and...

This year definitely didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. This year defiantly punched me in the stomach dragged my body to the grave as I kicked and screamed there were times I thought I was going under I mean I definitely was under. It’s December 24 I didn’t reach all my goals but I’m close and I will. I didn’t win my Prince Charming I didn’t write an ending to this story but the good news is I hit this year back harder then it hit me so through God’s strength I made it. Whatever I am wherever  I am it’s his will. 2019 will be hit like a bullet. I’m stronger and wiser. I’ve gone through the fire. I stand with confidence in my decisions in myself in God and in my wisdom. 2019 May it bring a new move, hopefully new position at work. New strengths new adventures and no looking back to the severe pain and destruction of 2018. It’s like driving over tire damage. I’m ready 2019, to lose the last 15 pounds to gain more of myself and be happy .

As I started this journey as I wrote in my first blog post “ The Beginning “ to better myself for myself and then my partner whom I knew I was going to marry this year had so many shifts it happened so fast like a torent storm. I watched the love of my life leave me and for someone else. I saw him through the face of addiction as he begged me to hold on and he abandoned me over and over as my heart slowly became unrecognizable. I became a weak woman who was once strong . I gave him yet another forgiving chance for him to leave again in a numb sweaty picture of addiction leaving me once again cold and empty . I sit here knowing my value in God and as a woman. I thought was it me how did I not measure up ? But my self love came through this time.Isnt that what this journey was about ? It does not matter how many pounds I still need to lose or where my path is going I deserve love. To have my hand held to not be ignored and to have joy. Walk away from situations that are toxic. I started ...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? Such power in Gods name . Who can be against us if God is for us? I prayed yesterday morning in my car I was tired and felt beat up emotionally and physically from being up at hospital night before. I couldn’t shake the pain of the toxic relationship I keep getting pulled in and out of always hoping for a change or a miracle. We always want to believe the best but some people aren’t well and they take you in there black hole with you. Bondage is a huge thing and when someone is stuck in great bondage they don’t know God they aren’t free. So they pull you into there pain and suffocate you over and over.  The night before my heart was so high I thought this was it as my medicine was not working I raced to the hospital . When I got home in the morning I had to go to work.  I prayed to God for joy. I was stuck in the poison of some else’s pain. I asked God for a mi...

Today . I weighed myself even though I lost inches this month I still weigh the same for 3 weeks. Makes no sense it’s like the last 10 pounds won’t go away. My mental status this morning in a new break up a crazy moment I find myself curled in a ball crying my eyes out. It just hurts to the core. The person you love is not the person you thought. Brings so much pain and confusion. That’s not from God my mentor said . Gods love isn’t confusing or painful it’s not of God . But it hurts and I missed the gym deciding today I can hurt . Then I got hit by an expensive Mercedes on my way to work . A beautiful trans gender comes out ask me if I’m ok but all I thought about was my heart is not ok . I cried going into work . My mom text me told me not to be upset God has a plan Amy you will win . This morning didn’t feel much like a winning moment . But I know it’s true . God has a plan no matter how bad it hurts. He is the lighted path . Don’t lose heart Amy . I remember I’m a fighter but ti...

Dear God. I don’t know how to begin to thank you for leading me out of the darkness and despair I was in I was broken in places I thought you couldn’t even reach. I thought the pain I bore was to deep to heal or escape and what others had done could never be erased. I thought joy was a fairy tale you read in books or fake people in churches. But I learned seeking and trusting you those people aren’t fake at all they just knew how to let go and let God. You see God I held on to baggage tight because I thought I needed it even though it caused me to sink. But you Lord taught me to place it in your hands and you would work it for good for me. This was the hardest part of all. But in the darkest hours you taught me a blind man can see. I followed the light of faith and now I have direction! I know now my value in Christ and my identity. When people try to lie or take advantage of me I know to trust you and walk away . I also know to get rid of anything that is not of you and cling on o...

7 inches lost around my waste since mid June. I still want to lose 4 more inches. I know I can do this Sometimes I feel alone on my journey even though I have a lot of people proud of me but no one really close. I’m pretty alone . But I’ll finish . Here is a before and after just since June. This week has been a huge loss for me I’ve missed the gym 4 days lots of emotions going on but I won’t lose track. I’m still losing inches and gaining ground on my goals tomorrow I’ll wake up at 5 am and hit the gym !!! No losers here !!!

I missed the gym today Raigan is home sick with a high fever so I’m In double for tomorrow. I have 14 days to reach my goal 125-127 pounds I made this goal because this year has been the most painful of years in my existence. I knew instead of giving into my depression and bettering myself that I would be so proud of myself and my strength the healing process has been long and hard and very lonely. But it’s a path I had to go on and I hear and feel God’s presence every day. It’s the only reason I’m not in a ball curled up crying. I’m praying to God for some kind of Christmas miracle. I don’t know what but after all the tragedy I just need joy. But I know all he’s done brings joy also. I just pray for a real miracle. In 2019 I want to move. My weight will be where I need it, my heart healed and my relationship with God is great I just want to be settled down and married. To have someone who truly loves me and loves and cares for my heart. I’ve never had anyone love me this way. I’...

The most important thing to remember in any goal is why your doing it. Because there will be days your tired or want to give up. If you don’t have a clear picture of the finish line you can’t succeed. So the biggest enemy you will find is your own friends. My best and closest friends are the ones who tell me, “Amy, your going to the gym to much, you don’t eat enough, you looked better before or the best one is I can’t tell a difference or you are to thin,” trust me when I’m to thin I’ll stop. My point is I don’t give a rats ass what they think I never started my goal with pleasing them. Am I right? I started to love me. To walk in a room and see a pretty girl and think she’s pretty too not I’m not as good as her. Maybe I’m not, maybe I am but none of that is the point. The point is I worked hard to accomplish my physical and emotional goals, I know my value I know what I bring to the table I don’t need to cowar or feel small to anyone. So these are my goals, I do what is good for me no...

Unconditional Love Ends All Harm . Unconditional love is very rare. You here those stories about one elderly person dying and their spouse dying months later. The realm of unconditional love is total forgiveness, grace and faithfulness. We know it’s real because God loves us this way and we are called to love this way even our enemies. Your probably wondering what this has to do with a fitness journey. As you might be going into some mental cloud of how you wish someone loved you with this kind of love maybe you do but the point is you have to love you in this way first.  If there is one small crack in the love department to yourself , how can you love someone else in this way. You can’t. The negative poison you feed yourself will spill out onto your loved one. Start by positive affirmations like : I’m loveable. I deserve love. I’m strong. I’m beautiful. This is the most important step in any journey. If you don’t love you how can anyone else.